1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

3. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

4. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

5. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

6. This child has been working with glue too much.

7. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

8. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

9. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

10. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

***********

Subject:  Tony Blair’s Thought for the Day

In case we find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity, we should remember England’s former Prime Minister Tony Blair’s words during a recent interview.

When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so much in America, he said:
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in..... and how many want out." 

***********

Hot Chocolate...

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired.
During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives. Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain-looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.
When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: ‘Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
The cup that you’re drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other’s cups.
Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us.
God makes the hot chocolate, man chooses the cups. The happiest people don’t have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. And enjoy your hot chocolate!’

***********

Pearls of Wisdom

I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 40 can fit into their stuff.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, ‘You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.’ Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

The trouble with some women is.... that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

***********

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can’t find it!"

I replied, "Aren’t you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this are you?"

***********

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce. The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some old geezer wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

***********

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.  He called them into his shop: ‘I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.’

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.  ‘And how did you like your holiday?’ he asked eagerly.

‘The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,’ she said.  ‘I’ve come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?’